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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 6, 2011 7:30pm-8:00pm PDT

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[laughter] >> stephen: oh my god, they'd make him live in houston. [laughter] perry's clearly got the biggest huevos rancheros in this race. which is why colbert super pac has been beating back all these wannabe super pacs to become perry's official unofficial non-connected independent expenditure all you can eat money trough. [laughter] now, while my superpac is legally forbidden from coordinating with his campaign, i think he likes me back. [laughter] exhibit a: the governor of texas announced his candidacy in charleston, south carolina, right around the corner from my childhood home! obviously trying to get my attention! he might as well have stood in my driveway with a boom box over his head.
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♪in your eyes... the light the heat ♪ ♪in your eyes, i am complete ♪in your eyes, i see the doorways to a thousand churches your eyes♪ [cheers and applause] i'm sorry. he just won't get off the lawn of my heart. [laughter] exhibit b: just yesterday "the atlantic" broke the story that the new treasurer of governor perry's campaign is one salvatore purpura, who also happens to be the treasurer of colbert super pac! [laughter] i was not prepared to be that shocked that quickly. let's try thatu /ñi again.[laughter]my [cheers and applause]
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i'd now like to give you my exclusive reaction to this campaign-shattering news, but i can't because politico already scooped me. last night they tracked down this stephen colbert person and obtained the following statement: >> we're not surprised. sal is the best in the business. that's why we went with him. we're happy for sal and we are even happier that governor perry has sent the clear signal of which super pac he trusts to receive all that unlimited money waiting to pour in on his behalf. loud and clear, sir. unofficially, loud and clear. [laughter] >> stephen: i couldn't have said it better myself. [laughter] point is, rick perry is taking sloppy seconds on my treasurer, who knows everything about my operation -- how much money i've raised, how much these people down here have given me, my password to adult friend finder. [laughter] hey, in politics you gotta press the flesh. [laughter] but i would again like to emphasize that there is no
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coordination between colbert super pac and the perry campaign. that would be wrong and illegal. they're as separate as church and state under a perry administration. [laughter] [cheers and applause] nation, a wise man once said, "everybody shut up. stephen's talking." this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] nation, i love the story of the garden of eden. it gives me comfort to know that every time i sin, it's really eve's fault. [laughter] boy am i gonna blame some stuff on you this weekend! [laughter] -6- that's why i'm so disturbed by a new movement to break-up the bible's most famous couple. npr's steve inskeep explains. >> for many evangelicals, a historical adam and eve is a critical part of their theology, but now some conservative religious scholars are saying publically that they can no
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longer believe it. >> stephen: no adam and eve? no apple? no tasteful leaf thongs? and all because these so-called conservative scientists say "there is no way we can be traced back to a single couple...given the genetic variation of people today." oh, the genetic variation needs more than two people? fine, they had a freaky three-way with the snake. [laughter] that would explain the genetic variation of james carville. [laughter] [cheers and applause] so i'm issuing a wag of my finger at evangelicalç scientists. real christians like president of southern baptist theological seminary albert mohler, know what's at stake here. >> when adam sinned, he sinned for us and it's that very sinfulness that sets up our understanding of our need for a savior. without adam, the work of christ makes no sense whatsoever. >> stephen: exactly. without one, the other can't exist. it's like how without "happy days," "joanie loves chachi"
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makes no sense. [laughter] why would any woman love a man named chachi?! [laughter] if there's no garden of eden, that means jesus' sacrifice doesn't fix adam's original sin, and all of his teachings make no sense whatsoever. that means i've been helping people and forgiving them for nothing! [laughter] this whole time i could have been bangin' my neighbor's wife and punching lepers. [laughter] that means all the rules are cancelled. i could have put other gods before him. you don't think i've wanted to experiment with the shinto sun goddess amaterasu, or the hindu goddess of prosperity lakshmi? you know what they say--once you go lakshmi, you never go back-shmi! [laughter] next, i'm beginning to think there are just too many gop presidential candidates.ç
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but i'd like to give a tip of my hat to one candidate who stands out by telling it like it is: rick santorum. at a recent campaign stop in iowa falls, santorum delivered this nugget of wisdom on gay marriage. marriage can be between any two people, any four people, any ten people, any kind of relationship and we can call it marriage. but that doesn't make it marriage. >> i can call this napkin a paper towel, but it is a napkin. why? because it is what it is. >> stephen: exactly! napkins and paper towels are completely different things. it's like comparing apples to larger, more absorbent apples. [laughter] [cheers and applause] rick santorum is putting the issue of gay marriage in terms everyday people can understand. if you give napkins and paper towels equal status, you undermine the sanctity of the thing you use to pick up dog vomit. [laughter]
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see, nobody knows better than rick santorum that you can't just redefine something to mean something else. "santorum" means only "former senator from pennsylvania." and if you don't believe me, you can google it. [laughter] so just as marriage will always be heterosexual marriage, napkins will always be what they are: incredibly gay. [laughter] to think that all these years, i've been resting them on my lap and touching them to my lips. and when i have ribs, i use as many as i can get my hands on -- i'm such a slut! [laughter] and sometimes you even stuff them through a ring, which i now understand just enhances their pleasure. well, that ends now. i'm replacing all the napkins in my house with paper towels.
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and i'm going with the straightest brand out there: brawny. [laughter] helloooo. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight is an oscar-winning actor who is also this interview will really tie the room together. please welcome jeff bridges. [cheers and applause] good to see you. all right. well, hey man. >> hey, man. how is it going, man? >> stephen: how are you? i have to say.
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i said this earlier when a first met you when you were down here practicing with the band, it is relaxing just to look at you. i think i'm getting a context beard. >> very good. >> stephen: you won the oscar for crazy heart. >> yes. >> stephen: was that your first oscar? >> it was. >> stephen: what does it feel like to win an oscar. compare it to winning a grammy let's say. >> dream like. you are in the front row so you have no idea of where the hell youym are. i had some kind of notes figured out that i might say, i might win. all of that was gone. i felt my parents soaring in the room. hello. oh, my god! you know, it's wild i'll say. >> stephen: you won that part, you won that oscar for playing the part of this grizzled, gravelly, bearded musician.
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>> yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: you know that wasn't a documentary, right? are you kind of playing that part now? >> no, no. i learned that mistake a long time ago, early in my career. when you are playing a drunk guy, you don't get drunk. you don't do that. >> stephen: after you played tron you tried to crawl into computers. not a good idea. >> no, no. >> stephen: you, of course, are famous for playing lebowski. >> okay. >> stephen: is it a burden at all having stoned people stumble up to you and quote that movie to you or is it a gift? >> to a gift. a true gift. [cheers and applause] talking about highs, last night we had the kickoff of the blu-ray edition for lebowski and i got to hang with all of the -- john goodman, juliean moore,
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steve buschemi. it was a lot of fun. >> jon: what kind of music are you playing now? country or jeff bridges? >> who was also there was was t bone burnett the producer of album. >> stephen: it's called jeff bridges. >> keep it simple. bone wanted to not just make a sequel to the crazy heart and has it country but it's he can check tick thing. pop, jazz. >> stephen: do musicians have to suffer? because your life seems pretty good. >> yeah. >> stephen: does that hold you back at an artist at all? >> i fight it. i give myself indian burns. that keeps the blues in check. [laughter] >> stephen: that's a rough life. you paid your dues.
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>> that's it. >> stephen: you really paid your dues. [laughter] people recognize your voice from a lot of commercials. you do hyundai, do you duracell. >> yes. >> stephen: is it manly gravelly stuff or do you softerç feminine -- i actually have the copy to summer's eve. >> let's try something. i'd love that. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> stephen: this is the new summer's eve feminine body wash. i think -- pick it up right there. >> i need my glasses. >> stephen: we'll move on. we'll move on. i have no plans. i have no plans of getting older. [laughter] but you make this look attractive. [laughter] getting older you really nailed the landing. >> man, i just -- >> stephen: what is it, how did you nail this landing? >> my mother whenever i would go off toll work she would say to
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me, now, remember, have fun and don't take it too seriously. that's held me in pretty good stead. >> stephen: now listen jeremiah. you've come all this way, how about a song? i would love that. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: when we come back a performance by jeff bridges. we'll be right back. çairplane radioñ "30,000 feet..." çairplane radioñ "...the weather there is 66..." an airline's job, is to take you from where you are... to where you need to be. and we're not just talking about points on a map. it's about constantly finding new ways to make... the world a smaller place. and close the gap between far away and right away. like having the most wifi equipped planes, that let you venture beyond our more than 200 us destinations,
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bit of love can do", ladies and gentlemen, jeff bridges. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ i know that you've been feeling down and blue but there ain't nothing really wrong with you ♪ ♪ you just need a little tending
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to let me show you what a little bit of love can do ♪ ♪ i can tell that someone needs a little help having trouble getting on with someone else ♪ i'm here toll tell you everything is gonna be fine ♪ yeah i know you're hurtin cause your heart is breaking ♪ note i think that i can alleviate the situation look in my eyes and listen to me, baby ♪ ♪ put your little hand in my mine ♪ note i know that you've been feeling down and blue but there ain't nothing really wrong with you ♪ ♪ you just need a little tending to ♪ ♪ let me show you what a little bit of love can do ♪ ♪ take your time listen to all i'm saying i got a hunch that
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loving you is worth the waiting ♪ i'm gonna prove it to you before this night is through ♪ ♪ there's a way to turn your pain right into pleasure drastic times seem to call for drastic measures. ♪ you need to know girl i can fix you with if the remedy is triedç addñ true ♪ ♪ i know that you've been feeling down and blue but there ain't nothing really wrong with you ♪ ♪ you just need a little tending to ♪ let me show you what a little bit of love can do ♪ ♪
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♪ i know that you've been feeling down and blue but there ain't really nothing wrong with you ♪ ♪ you just need a little tending to ♪ ♪ let me show you what a little bit of love can do ♪ ♪ i know that you've been feeling down and blue but there ain't nothing really wrong with you ♪ ♪ you just need a little tending to ♪ let me show you what a little bit of love can do ♪ ♪ let me show you what a bit of ♪ let me show you what a little bit of love can do ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: beautiful, jeff. thank you so much. jeff bridges, the album is jeff bridges. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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with over 60 inspired meals... ...all anyone ever talked about was the food. but it's really the fork... ...that brings every meal to life. so i'm supposed to be a fork? i don't get it. healthy choice. deliciously inspired. [ audience cheering ] [ larry ] oh, this wasn't a good idea! [ cheering ] [ larry ] look at that. i can see my house from here. hey, it's like google earth up here. oh, dad-gum, i should have went to the toilet before i jumped out of this plane. this ain't gonna be good. let me see. which one did he say to pull? am i supposed to pull the left lever or am i supposed to pull the right lever? i don't know what i'm supposed to-- [ screams ] [ audience cheering ] [ groans ] i think i swallowed my dip.
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we're gonna "git-r-done!" [ cheering continues ] git-r-done! wow. dadgum. [ laughs ] son of a bitch, that hurt. i ain't doin' that again. good lord. thank you, everybody. good night, nurse. this is awesome! oh, this is fun right here, but i ain't doin' that... airplane drop again.
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